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16 Steps that Will Help You Tell Your Children about Your Divorce
During the separation or divorce process, parents may often feel comprehensible feelings of overwhelm and nervousness about telling their children what is happening. Still, children very much benefit when they receive clear information; without facts, they may answer their own questions and allows them to not worry about what is really going on.
Your family will have a unique and individual conversation with your children than other families. However, there are some tips that will help guide you through this discussion that does apply to all families preparing to have this talk. Here are some of them:
- You should plan the conversation in advance and try to come up with what each parent will say in the discussion.
- You will want to keep the talk age appropriate and not too long.
- You will want to have the discussion with both of the parents telling the same information so the children do not feel they are caught in the middle.
- If you become emotional during the discussion, it is okay. Please remember that it is important to try to show your children that you will survive the divorce by not showing too much emotion.
- You will want to let your children know it is okay to feel emotions. They may feel sadness, anxiety, excitement or relief and all these feelings are normal and okay.
- You may want to let your children know when changes will take place so they are prepared. You know your children and how long they need to process sudden changes. You may choose to wait as some kids will feel a bit nervous waiting when there are no actual changes taking place. You will want to consider your own child’s needs.
- It will be hard, but if you can resist the urge to tell your children everything will be okay. You will want your child to share their feelings with you and this may make them feel they should not share them with you.
- If you practice the discussion before the one with your children and make sure you words feel as comfortable as possible. This may help your children handle the news better.
- If you keep your own feelings of betrayal, hurt, ambivalence, anger, blame out of the discussion this will help your children not have these feelings as well.
- As their parents you will want to remind them that you both will still be there for them even though you are getting a divorce.
- Prior to the conversation with your children you will want to decide if you want to use words like divorce and separation. You will also want to include what is happening like mom and dad have decided to live in two separate homes, etc. Explain the housing situation in an age-appropriate way, to include where each parent will live and any details about the homes (e.g. distance apart, bedroom set-up).
- You will not want to make any promises you can’t deliver to your children. You will want to be 100% sure you can deliver these promises before mentioning them.
- You may want to give your children an explanation regarding your divorce. It is best you don’t share intimate details with your children regarding the separation especially regarding affairs and that one of the parents do not want to divorce, etc.
- You will want to make sure that your children know that this is not their fault and there is nothing they can do to make this decision change.
- Reassure your children with the things that will stay the same (e.g. school, friends, activities) and things that might be different.
- Your children may ask you questions you may not want to answer. If you are not prepared tell your child that was a good question, but you will need to get back with them on that. Do not forget to respond to them in a timely manner.
Your first conversation with your children will be the beginning of an on-going
discussion with them regarding your separation or divorce. Their questions may
change as they grow and have new experiences. It is best for your children to be
open with them and discuss their concerns as they evolve.